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LIfe Without Regrets

So tired...

Posted on 2010.03.04 at 19:44
I'm exhausted from all of the stress that comes with moving, not to mention the actual moving... So freaking tired!!

I've been swimming every night, as well as sitting in the hot tub and going into the sauna. I hope the sauna is helping my acne but at the moment you can connect the dots on my forehead and see Cassiopeia... Sometimes I hate my life...

Not really sore, just exceedingly tired and ready to be done moving and cleaning. Schoolwork and a job will be nothing compared to this move!

My World


Posted on 2010.02.27 at 21:38
So, since we are in the middle of moving (but are finally living in the apartment from tonight on O.O) I will be starting everything fresh again on Monday. Yes I do enjoy putting things off ^_^ and making excuses.

However, tonight we went into the pool, hot tub, and sauna (I did not enjoy the dry sauna all that much... it's hot!) But! I loved swimming!! Absolutely loved it! And my goodness does it work the arms! So daily I will be going swimming with my dad ^_^

It was strange getting into the water, I haven't swam in so long I kept thinking I was going to drown O.O at the deepest the pool is about 5'5... Yeah, I am a sissy, but I am getting use to being a duck quickly so all is well!

Until tomorrow~

I'm A Fighter

A New Me...

Posted on 2010.02.18 at 23:06
Yes, we all know the adage "She's beautiful on the inside", well lets all be honest, being beautiful on the outside sure doesn't hurt anyone's self-esteem. So on top of trying to lose weight, doing a cleansing diet, I am also trying to raise my self-esteem.

And yes I am that shallow. But when you hate yourself as much as I do, and feel like you've let your parents down as much as I feel, then I think a little shallowness isn't so bad if it has a positive outcome on your life. Yes this does sound like "the end justifies the means" but I'm not going to go around shaving bunny butts to test my makeup on. I just want to be more comfortable in my own skin.

Here's the plan.

1) swimming at least once a day for an hour (Our new apartment has a pool!)
2) Proactiv twice daily, as prescribed, cleanser, toner, moisturizer (We'll see how this goes and whether or not it will help my acne O.o)
3) Lotion! (This surprisingly has already started helping the croc skin on my elbows \(^o^)/ a believer has been made!)
4)A plethora of fruits and veggies
5) lots of clear water (maybe I can drown my sorrows... XD)
6) Some meats and nuts for protein and brown rice when I don't want a salad (yes this is part of the cleansing)
7)Make up, daily (Yeah I know lame right? but I actually enjoy trying new things with makeup and seeing as how I'm not very good at it... ^_^)
8)Teeth whitening twice daily (Only did this once today as I had to go buy a mouth thing to hold the bleach. Man that stuff burns on your tongue!)
9) Dressing nicer (If I don't dress like a fat piece of white trash maybe I won't feel like one :D and no I don't mean to wear clothes six sizes too small ;p)

Since I just retwisted both ankles and hurt both knees again, the swimming is out for a couple of weeks, at least until the swelling is down. Also, I should be going to Cali for a week or two next week which means lots of walking out in the sun while dad is at work! Hopefully I won't get heat stroke XD or fall an hurt myself again XD

Hopefully I will get some of my old pep back, be the outgoing, high energy, enthusiastic person I use to be who enjoyed life. Well that's the plan at least ^_^

Today I cleaned up, used lotion, dressed okay, bleached my teeth, but that's about it... Tomorrow will be more productive!


Detox Diet...

Posted on 2010.02.01 at 18:44
So, I am no longer on the Master Cleanse. It was making me sick D: probably too few calories and too much sugar because I was essentially drinking lemon water with maple syrup. My stomach is still cramping and icky today D:

Instead of such a harsh cleanse I am going to cut out all wheat and milk products. It will be a slower cleanse but it will work better. And won't send my system into shock ^_^

On another note... I have no clue... Been looking at BCC classes to take and think I have come up with a good choice. Now to see if they are offered next quarter... With the teachers I researched...

Also I have started researching Yoga,  and am excited to start. I prefer to run hard but hopefully yoga will give me some peace of mind.

This Hard

Worthless Self...

Posted on 2010.01.31 at 20:08
I got an email today in my WWU account saying that Phillip Thomas had posted a response to my question on FaceBook. Once again I feel the sensation like a knife in the heart as I read his words

"Francine asked me to"

Phillip will be the TA again at Merrowstone this summer. Tara will graduate at the end of Spring quarter and is still waiting to hear back as to whether or not she made it into UW for a Master's in Bassoon Performance. And here I sit, useless, worthless, forgotten, and mostly alone. My mom says to stop worrying about other people because it upsets me. Every time I try to forget, no matter where I go, I am reminded of how worthless I am.

I thought I had friends. I've found that no one cares. I thought I was working hard, trying to improve. No one ever notices. Everyone around me is praised while I am put down and forgotten. Everyone else has someone to talk to while I am yelled at and forgotten. Everyone else makes advances and gets parts while I struggle to find opportunities to perform. Everyone else has their own opinions until they hear mine then they can only copy me. They get to make their dreams come true and I watch mine fall to the way side.

I hate life. I hate people. I hate music. I hate living. I hate dealing. I hate everything.

I just don't want to be yelled at. I just want someone to care. I know my parents and Matthew care, but am I worthless to everyone else? Will anyone ever care? Anyone near my age?

Surrender To Nothing

Detox Day 1 again...

Posted on 2010.01.30 at 11:14
So, restarted the detox today. I'm going to try for about forty ounces of liquid because I realized last night that I am only drinking about five or so ounces a day... And sixty is a pretty big leap to make. So in the next day or two I hope to be up to the full sixty plus ounces of lemonade.

Had my yogurt for breakfast, which helped my stomach some ^_^ Today will be a better day so see you tonight with an update on the day's progress!


So, I'm eating a salad, had a few nuts, a piece of pineapple, and an olive. I am hungry! But the salad will suffice! It must... -_- and everyone else is eating pizza for dinner while talking about making thai food... And they wonder why I hate going on diets while at home... Oh well...

I think today has gone better than recent days. I haven't cried at least! That is a bonus; the higher dose of medication (higher than my normal dose, which I had cut in half ;-;) seems to be working well. But my ears are giving me fits now. It went from buzzing to loud noises drive me nuts!! But my mood is better for the most part, being away from Western is really helping,

Oh yeah! Almost done with my first thirty ounces of lemonade. I keep forgetting to shake the bottle before drinking so this last bit has quite the bite to it ^_^ When I finish this batch I am going to make another half to drink before bed, and I'm going to try the laxative tea, something I am dreading to be honest! But we shall see. Hopefully tomorrow will mean less hunger, though I guess I need to drink more to help with that...

We shall see!

LIfe Without Regrets

Detox Retry...

Posted on 2010.01.29 at 21:44
So... Today didn't work out either. But I did get more medication in so I'm not having to deal with with drawl symptoms.

So I start day 1 over again tomorrow with a yogurt for breakfast and a small salad for dinner to work my way up to not eating so I can do a full cleanse.

Wish me luck ^_^

Surrender To Nothing

Master Cleanse Day #1

Posted on 2010.01.28 at 05:39
So it is 5:30 in the morning and my mouth is tingly form the cayenne because I am an idiot and didn't pour enough water out of my bottle to try the lemonade. Surprisingly it is rather good with just lemon juice, cayenne, and water! Now to try it with grade b maple syrup.
Hmm... Not a lot of difference but I did get a good mouthful of cayenne again -_-

Note: cayenne is bad for mucus membranes like the eye ;_;

Here is my recipe per bottle:

30 oz water per bottle or 60 oz water per day (or 10 oz per glass)
6 tablespoons Organic Grade B Maple Syrup (or 2 tbsp. per glass)
6 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice (or 2 tbsp. per glass)
a little under half a teaspoon of cayenne pepper (or 1/10 tsp. per glass) or to taste

Wow... I used a teaspoon and a table spoon for this batch... That's why it's got a kick! Kitty is made of win XD

I don't know how easy this is going to be for ten days but hopefully writing about it will make my resolve stronger! If I can get through a week and a half of this I can get through anything that life throws at me!

And on that happy note I bid you adieu until tonight!

So it is now 2:08am. I have yet to go to bed. Things went to hell in a hand basket after mom and I dropped Matt off at school. So today was a total bust. Tomorrow will be better.
Or today I should say ^_^

The plan: Something small for breakfast like a yogurt and a small salad for dinner. Something about hunger pains to really put a fat chick off her cleansing diet.

And let it be know. This is a cleansing. Yes I have done a considerate amount of research on the Master Cleanse and how you can drop a few pounds quick with it. I am trying to get healthy, yes weight loss would be nice but that is not why I am doing this. How can I get my life back together when my entire system is compromised?

This Hard

The Lost Forgotten...

Posted on 2010.01.25 at 18:55
Do you ever get tired of life? Tired of backstabbing and selfishness? Tired of no one standing beside you and being forgotten? Tired of no one who cares, who actually cares?

I want to be the donkey that shakes the dirt off her back and steps up until she gets out of the well, but too much dirt is weighing me down. Every time I get the energy to shake, the will to step up, something else pushes me down, clouds my vision.

Crying isn't an option for life, neither is defeat. But when does all the bad stuff stop?

LIfe Without Regrets

Shoot me now!...

Posted on 2009.02.10 at 22:00
So Ally barges into my room and finds out I have a cat! Then she feels it is her duty because  she "lives there too" to inform the rest of the house and now we have to have a fucking house meeting about it!

Maybe mom is right and it won't be a problem! But I have the sinking feeling that it will be... Why does this always happen with me? Fucking hate roommates and "friends."

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